EPISODE 21 TRANSCRIPT
08 | 15 | 18
A big thank you to all of you for helping me to hit 1000 subscribers. So what are the chances of me making this a short video? I wouldn’t personally take those odds, but hey, you never know.
The intention of this video is to jump into a few quick topics that seem to press peoples buttons in regards to OCD and OCPD. It’s a companion piece to the video I’m linking to up above me right now. That episode takes a deeper look into the differences between obsessive compulsive personality disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder. And I’ll finish this video with some personal updates and a check in on my overall mental health.
In no particular order I’ll start with the idea that OCPD is a net positive. I hear this a lot and I’m afraid I flat out disagree with this statement. In order for this to be true your life would have to be improved overall from start to finish and for about 99% of people with the disorder that just isn’t the case. Yes it can feel nice to retreat in the comfort of appeasing all of your neuroses. Yes it can bring you joy to have all of your clothes organized by style and color. And you can even feel superior knowing you handed that report in without one single typo. But good luck finding someone that can meet your high standards and is also willing to stick around after you fly off the handle when they don’t. Will it feel good looking at pictures of the birthday party you missed because you had to stay at home obsessively organizing your apartment? And how long will you keep your job after handing in a three day late report with perfect punctuation?
Moving on, I’ll reiterate the message that has been passed on to me from many people with OCD. Many people with OCD are tired of the minimalizing of the disorder. From people that quite clearly don’t have OCD whining that they indeed do, to teasing and berating and to comments like ‘I”m having a party and I’m inviting you and your OCD to come early so that the place will be perfect by the time the other guests arrive’. I’m not bothered by what other people think because I’m too busy living with the disorder. But I’m not everybody and some people take these comments very personally. At the very least I can see how it would paint you as someone that really doesn’t get the disorder.
Next up we have the fact that these disorders, from an outsider's perspective, can seemingly constantly contradict themselves. This leads to a lot of people being told that they aren’t OCD because they’re ‘too’ clean, or conversely not clean enough. Or they aren’t OCD because they just in general don’t have the particular symptoms you think they should. There are endless obsessions and compulsions, and yes some of them have to do with cleanliness, but there are even more that don’t. So just because someone appears to you to be a slob, that doesn’t mean that they don’t actually have obsessive compulsive disorder. The only thing that it means is that you really don’t know much about the disorder.
In regards OCPD, yes we really do know everything about everything. What else can I say? Of course we don’t. But we think we do and navigating conversations without upsetting people is something we tend to find very challenging. We don’t want to be wrong, we don’t want to be thought of as arrogant and we never want to lose an argument. Which brings me, in an odd way, to my next point. We are not autistic nor do we have some form of autism. This idea has been batted around a little too much for my liking as of late. It is upsetting to me and others because understanding this disorder is key to treating this disorder. If we are misdiagnosed, imagine how much less of a chance we have of receiving the proper therapeutic treatments. On top of this, any perceived social awkwardness that might lend people to associate the two disorders comes from a completely different place. Those with OCPD most of the time understand when they are being inappropriate, it’s just that the point they are trying to make is being prioritized over anyone else's feelings.
Another idea that I’ve heard debated is as to whether or not OCPD is derived from a chemical imbalance. Some are hesitant to think so as there can be stigmas that come along with that, and others feel even more passionately about it because there is no good science to say one way or the other and so they feel that it is more correct to say that there isn’t until it’s proven the other way around. At the end of the day I’m more concerned about my treatment and your treatment than I am about any sort of labeling that’s taking place. But I'm not naive. I understand that these labels can have all sorts of ramifications. From whether or not insurance will cover your mental illness, to how others choose to view you. So for me right now it’s not a priority, but for those that are tackling these issues I offer my support.
And for the last time. OCPD and OCD are not the same thing. You don’t have OCD just because your m&ms are organized according to color. And yes, people with these disorders could use some compassion and a little help if you have it in you.
Now if I can talk about myself for a moment. This isn’t my studio, and this isn’t where I shot my last couple of videos. As of recording this video I’m in Bali and the next video will probably be from Penang. This, for the foreseeable future, is my life. I have someone that is very important to me in my life that has helped make this reality a possibility. So I will be bouncing around working remotely and producing and releasing these videos as I’m able. I’m sure there will be times when I’m releasing once per week and other times when it’s more like once per month. Either way, I’m here to stay on YouTube.
I’m working on other projects at the moment and when the time is right I’ll be excited to share them with you. So suffice to say I’m staying very busy. None of this is as important as how I’m doing mentally though. Right now and for the last four or five months I’ve been slowly improving. I can say that the depression, at least the worrisome kind, is visiting me very rarely. On a one to ten scale I would have put my anxiety at around a 3 a few months ago. But with all of the big changes in my life it’s been hovering between a 5 and a 6 the last two months. However, that’s still a big improvement over let’s say six months ago when I never dipped below a nine.
So what can I teach you guys? What can I attribute these positive changes to? Well what should be of note is that unfortunately I was unable to remain in a position where I had access to medication and therapy. I believe in both of those things as strong options for what I’m going through. But they are not free and they are not always easy to arrange. For me, that had to be put on the back burner for now. But none of this means that I’m out of options. One of the primary ways in which I’ve made positive mental changes is through exercise. It’s rare that I miss a day of exercise, and I go for between 45 minutes to an hour and a half a day. I’ll go into more detail in a follow up video, but I will reiterate what I’ve said in the past. I cannot stress enough the importance of exercise. There are no negative effects and the positives keep compounding month after month.
I’ve also improved my diet and am constantly on the lookout for ways I can improve it even more. I’m pretty particular, so it’s not as though I’ll try anything recommended to me. But I try to stay open.
Finally, something that has helped immensely is taking care of myself physically, and I don’t mean exercise this time. Being in countries in which I’m able to find affordable health care has allowed me to start trying to get to the bottom of certain health problems I’ve been dealing with for years. The peace of mind and mental space that is freed up by not having to worry about these things has given me more energy to direct towards healing from the OCPD.
I was hit recently with a particularly bad weekend filled with anxiety and it was a nice reminder that I’m not out of the weeds and that I still have a long ways to go. But it strengthened my resolve and even though I’m still Darryl and this is still my life in debris, that doesn’t mean it always will be. Until next time…