EPISODE 19 TRANSCRIPT
08 | 13 | 18
Just to let you know I’m going to go ahead and give you an update as to what’s going on with me at the end of this video. I feel that my absence deserves a thorough explanation and as some of what’s been happening ties directly in to my OCPD, I’d like to catch you up on everything new. So stick around after today’s subject if my personal story is any part of the reason you tune into my videos.
In my last video I mentioned the idea of me not continuing to tiptoe around controversial thought. My controversial thoughts in particular. As I will have written and filmed this episode before uploading my last video, I don’t know what your reaction to that video will have been. I know a certain percentage of you will have disagreed with my advice and maybe I’m not even addressing you currently as you’ve chosen not to continue down this path with me. I hope that’s not the case, but thinking that way isn’t realistic when it comes to us with OCPD. Although some of the ideas I put forward in this video and my last video may cause discomfort upon hearing, I do want you to at least be reassured that my intent is to do no harm and to demonstrate that there is a way out of this mess. As I’ve said before though, admitting there is a mess to begin with is a necessary first step.
I left you guys with an exercise at the end of the last episode. If you tried it out I’d love to hear all about it in the comments. I’ll take the good with the bad. It was primarily a thought exercise and it was designed to test your capacity for empathy. Is it possible to change your mind on a point, or at least stretch it, if the reason is not to discover truth, but to see another’s point of view and to reach a compassionate understanding of how they came to a different conclusion on whichever idea you chose? Succeeding at this is something that was not only highly improbable on your first attempt, but something that also probably caused you a great amount of discomfort. I’ve been practicing this for years and I still find it difficult. But it is a key component to navigating life with OCPD and being able to build healthy relationships with those people close to you and with those you have to communicate with regularly, such as coworkers. Please continue to practice this in your daily life with inconsequential and throwaway thoughts as well as deeply held beliefs. We will devote an entire video to this at some point, but for now please consider that by being open to alternate trains of thought we are becoming more compatible with society around us as a whole. It’s not my preference to use the term ‘normal’ in referencing our goal in overcoming our symptoms. I’m not sure that there is such a thing as a normal person. But as a collective, societies determine morality, politeness, cultural practices and cultural norms and by being flexible we will be more apt to behave in a way that draws people in towards us as opposed to repelling them. As we so often have the misfortune of doing. I’m actually considering putting together a rant video to demonstrate the way I view certain topics to really illustrate how rigid and unreasonable I can be or at least how I was in the past. Let me know in the comments if you think this is a good idea. I’d risk putting a lot of people off, but at the same time it would be good for you guys to see just why it is us with OCPD can be considered difficult.
The exercise in the last video was also intended to force us into a confrontation with ourself. And that is because one of the next excuses we need to overcome is the idea that we can exist as an island. This is something so common amongst people with obsessive compulsive personality disorder. We get so hung up on being right that we are willing to sacrifice any and all relationships that come along out of a duty to our self righteousness. Which is fine I guess if you truly care about nothing and no one. But guess what? You do care! There is absolutely no way you’d be watching this if you didn’t. My videos are improving with time, but there’s no chance you’d be mistaken calling them entertaining. So even if I have to twist your arm, you’re going to have to reconcile the fact that your life would be much better with people that love you in it. In order to get to that point you’re going to have to practice confrontation…a lot.
How do we do this? Gently. We need to make those closest to us aware of the fact that this is a part of ourselves we’ve chosen to work on. We need to let them know that when confronted with a small matter that we seem to be making a bid deal out of that we would appreciate a small nudge in the form of a gentle challenge to our thought process. We with OCPD react very poorly to having our backs up against the wall, so please explain to your loved ones that you would appreciate if they could choose their words and tone carefully when challenging you. But the more often you are able to let go of being right in small matters the more you will be training your brain to try a little flexibility in larger matters.
Next we might want to consider a journal or note taking. If you’re watching a YouTube video and you don’t have a smart phone to journal with you’re not the type of person I could even begin to wrap my head around. So there’s no excuse that’s going to fly for not giving this a try. So what are we writing down? Well we need to keep track of our feelings, reactions and actions and tie them to the event or conversation that prompted them. I’m not stood over your shoulder so it’s going to be up to you as to how self aware you choose to be. But think about how difficult it was to accept a diagnosis of OCPD. Well we apply this reasoning to every second of our lives. So if we aren’t paying attention to the things we do that seem to consistently bring misery to those around us or to the things that over complicate our own lives, we are never going to start to take the steps to adjust or correct them. When you are able to start identifying areas of your life that you are particularly rigid with, you will be armed with the information a therapist would need to also effectively treat you.
Finally we need to put a lot of focus on loving ourselves. This can mean many different things to different people. Yes, we could tie it into developing a healthy self esteem or ego, but what I’d like to see you start with is taking good care of yourself. A lot of what I’ve talked about requires energy and focus and you won’t have what it takes if you’re not treating yourself right. Meditation is something that in the past I laughed at, but even in the tiny amounts I squeeze in I find it helpful. It doesn’t have to be meditation, you just need to find what works for you when it comes to slowing down and practicing relaxation. I cannot stress exercise enough. I’d love to have the time just to devote an entire channel to exercise and mental health. But exercise has saved my life on occasion and absolutely has got me through some of the toughest things I’ve had to face. If I’m telling you to exercise, and I mean starting once you finish this video unless it’s like two in the morning, of course I’m going to tell you to be mindful of your diet. Again, just like with exercise and relaxation, what works for me might not work for you. But you need to spend some time experimenting with food to see which diet brings you the most clarity of mind. I’m not even going to tell you to get plenty of sleep because if you’re doing all of these things you’re going to crave your bed at the end of the day. I’m no arbiter of morals, so I’m not going to tell you which things you probably shouldn’t be doing, but I know you’re smart and can figure those out on your own.
I really want to thank all of you that came back to my channel after a much too long hiatus. I’m going to end today’s topic here and if you’d like to stick around I’ll catch you up with the personal.
So if we jump all the way back to my last upload from last year I had no idea that there would be such an incredibly long gap from then until now. I had three videos that I had filmed as of filming this video they aren’t out, but I do plan on releasing them before this video so it’s possible you’ve checked them out. One of the reasons I’ve been missing is that while I was in Colombia there arose issues with the work I was doing and the people I was working with. And what I had done was to sell the equipment I was using at the time to make these videos because it was no longer serving its purpose. However I did this under the assumption that I would be receiving new equipment. Nothing during this time worked out the way I thought it would and so although I had filmed some episodes, I was unable to edit or upload them. My anxiety and depression had a real stranglehold on me during these months and I found it difficult to brainstorm my way out of what was going on.
During this time I became aware that my father in the States was going to be having an incredibly serious operation. I can’t go into details for privacy reasons, but it was a very scary time. I made the decision to come back to the States to be with my family and to help where I could for a period of time. And in hindsight I’m grateful that certain people in my life supported that decision and made me feel like I was doing the right thing. Everything worked out and I’m now nearing the end of my time in the US.
I said at the start that what’s been going on has tied directly into my OCPD. So I’ll finish with that. I had become so narrowly focused and depressed in Colombia that I was unaware of how much my situation was keeping me from lifting my head above water. Once I got out of there I was immediately able to lift my head out of the fog and I realized that I had been in a bad situation for a long time and that it had been a catalyst for my overwhelming anxiety. Once my dad came through his operation and I knew everything would be all right my body and mind started letting go of all of the stress I had been carrying and my anxiety started to ease up as well. This allowed me to start making very positive changes. So for the first time in a long time I’m moving in a forward direction.
I have some big plans and of course I want to let you know all about the changes I’ve made. But as always I’ve produced a video that far outstayed its welcome so these will have to wait until next time. If everything goes according to plan my next video will be coming to you from the other side of the world. But I’ll still be Darryl and this will still be my life in debris.