EPISODE 24 TRANSCRIPT
11 | 07 | 18
Earlier today I was writing out my thoughts for this episode. I’m sure it comes as no surprise that these videos are scripted. I’ve tried on multiple occasions to film without one and they feel very rambling to me and they are no fun to try and edit. Anyway, at the moment I’m in England and I wanted to film at this particular location. England is my birthplace and I’m close to an area I’ve spent much time living in over the years. This spot right here is a pond that I would come to and feed the ducks when I was a kid. There’s nothing particularly unique about this pond, but every time I’m in England I come back here at least once. Which got me thinking about why it is I do that and that’s what lead me to today’s topic.
What I wanted to have a quick chat about is what inspired me to create this channel, and beyond that, what inspired me to seek out treatment for OCPD. The questions I’m asked the most in PMs and comments usually revolve around what lead me to accepting an OCPD diagnosis, or what lead me to look for any sort of diagnosis in the first place. These usually coming from someone that has a loved one they suspect of having OCPD and their inability to get through to that person.
Let’s start with why I’m at this park. For me it’s a physical representation of a state of mind I believe is healthy. It’s a method of centering. The places from my childhood that hold positive memories and have a calming effect are all gone. All of them but this one anyway. I come here, and between the calmness of the area, the nostalgia surrounding it and the positive associations my brain has made to this spot, I’m confronted via a direct line between the person I was then and the person I am now. It’s almost like I’m checking in with myself. I think about who I was as a kid, but also who I was the last time I visited this place and whether or not I’ve made positive strides forward or if I’ve stumbled back a few steps. I see myself across time and I find that to be very inspiring. And the thing about inspiration is that the word positive isn’t in the description.
Oxford Dictionary defines inspiration as ‘The process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, especially to do something creative.’ The mental stimulation can come from literally anywhere and the thing that inspires you can be something that brings you immense joy, or it can be something that terrifies you. So looking around at this place. It’s pretty, but I’ve seen some parks in my day and I’m not sure this one even sits somewhere in the middle. It’s inspiring because I choose to let it inspire me. But what’s it inspiring me to do? Well I’m definitely not going to try and paint it. After I finish shooting this I’ll wander around a bit, sit with my thoughts and meditate on some of the next big steps in my life. I’ll evaluate them up against the thoughts I had the last time I was here, to see where I’m getting things right and where some adjustments still need to be made.
I said though though that inspiration can come from anywhere and I said that because I think it’s safe to assume when reading the title of this video a person might expect me to talk about all the wonderful things in my life or the beautiful people and places I’ve met and seen. But that’s not really the case. At least for this part of the video. Because we are going to start with what inspired me to look for OCPD before I even knew it was a thing.
If you go back in my videos you’ll remember that the catalyst was the looming breakup of my second marriage. I knew there was something wrong with me for as far back as I can remember. I’m sure I thought I was a strange kid when I was hanging out at this pond all those years ago. I was misdiagnosed for most of my life with OCD. And I’d even tried tackling my symptoms in between my first and second marriage. But in all that time I never came across OCPD and I never had any success in overcoming my particular set of symptoms. So what finally inspired me to look for something beyond what I’d been shown? Why was the ending of this marriage successful in opening my eyes when the first one wasn’t? Why is it that when you threaten divorce to your spouse it doesn’t shift them any closer to the realization that they have OCPD? Because that’s probably why you’re really here right now. For me it was because the marriage at that time was more than just a marriage. I had decided that I was going to define myself through the idea of family. The family unit was my world. I only saw myself through that lens and a divorce represented to me, losing everything. I couldn’t see how I could move beyond losing everything.
During that time I tried blaming a lot of people. That’s both a stupid and ineffective way to solve your problems. But eventually you circle back to yourself, and I realized that whatever it was inside of me that I’d been avoiding my whole life was going to have to be dealt with…once and for all.
Now I didn’t actually fix myself during this time. Because inspiration isn’t enough. This whole ‘I have to deal with everything’ was a nice thought, but it only lead to minimal action. Between my world being flipped upside-down from the divorce and the ensuing depression, not a lot got done. But the spark had been ignited. Because of the very real threat of losing what I considered to be everything, I discovered the personality disorder that had shaped everything in my life up to that point. So there’s some real life inspiration. An ugly break up and I got to discover I had a personality disorder. Fun stuff.
Now there’s a very good reason that prior bad relationships and bad decisions had not lead me to make significant changes, and this same reason applies to why, although I now knew I had OCPD, I was still unable to really get anywhere with it. This is because inspiration isn’t enough. It isn’t enough for me and it isn’t enough for you. The long and short of it is that change comes from inside. Yes there are many things in life that leave me feeling inspired, but that feeling passes. I feel down, something inspires me, I feel up, I enjoy the feeling that change is possible and then I go right back to bad habits.
What you need to do and what I did is to want to be something else and then believe it’s possible. Two years ago I could barely get out of bed from severe depression. Many days I didn’t. At some point I decided that wasn’t good enough. My life is worth more to me than that. I realized that at a point in my life when I was by myself. I wasn’t going to make the changes for a girlfriend, I wasn’t going to make the changes for friends and family and I wasn’t going to make the changes because people were telling me to. This, is when I decided to put this channel together. So this idea of inspiration, I’m not sure if it’s even something we can quantify. I saw other people with YouTube shows that I admired. Part of that was probably inspirational. I had someone I cared for and I wanted to be a better person, and that played into it quite a bit as well. But I can tell you categorically that other YouTubers made me want to create my own channel and love made me want to be better or get better depending on how you look at it, but wanting is not doing. The real inspiration, the key to everything is finding that fire inside of you.
There’s many things you can do to actually pull yourself out of that bed or lonely apartment. But take accountability and want to change. Things in your life, whether you like it or not, or even whether it’s fair or not, are yours to deal with. We all want to take credit for the good and pass the blame for the bad. You need to own both. For me the first step was wanting it. You either want better or you don’t. The second was to break down everything into bite size pieces. If I wanted to get out of bed I needed to make sure I had clean clothes, food in the house and so on. Set goals, make them realistic (for now), break them down into manageable pieces and be your own inspiration. You’ll end up being much more proud of your accomplishments that way anyway. But I’ve got some ducks to feed, so for now, I’ll still have to be Darryl and this is still going to be my life in debris.