EPISODE 13 TRANSCRIPT
06 | 28 | 17
This is still sort of a serious video and still sort of a serious question. This video is intended as a follow up to my video ‘Does society accept those with OCPD?’. So in order to figure out if I qualify, let’s take a look at some definitions.
dictionary.com defines the word as someone mean or contemptible. And someone mean would be offensive, selfish, unaccommodating, nasty and malicious. If we go the humorous route, Urban Dictionary defines is as an obnoxious, arrogant, self-centered male who women can’t seem to get enough of, or alternately…the worst kind of person.
So right off the bat, it ain’t a good thing. So why, as someone with OCPD, would I not just deny it from the get go and avoid even making a video like this? Glutton for punishment? Am I a masochist? Do I take pride in the idea that I may be defined as this?
Well there’s a lot of reasons actually. If I am, but I don’t want to be, then this video serves as a sort of apology. If I am, but feel I wouldn’t be if it weren’t for the OCPD, then I can discuss how I want to change. Maybe I am some of the time and I want to explain why sometimes I can be and other times I’m not at all. Maybe I am and I’m using this video to be an even bigger one to a larger audience. Or conversely, maybe I’m not and I just have a poor self image or a distorted view of myself. I could be something much worse, or I could be something much better. This video itself might even be an attempt to get to the bottom of it.
Let’s take the definitions apart a little bit and I’ll try and do some self reflecting. So am I mean? The first word under mean is offensive. Yes, I’m definitely offensive. I’m offensive for a few reasons. First, I don’t really believe in the idea of being offensive, and that in itself is viewed as being offensive. I believe, as a large percentage of people do, that offense is in general, something taken and not given. I don’t mean that someone can’t say something with the intent of it causing distress, but it is entirely up to you as to whether or not you let it. Next, I have OCPD. This comes into play because I feel compelled to be brutally honest. If someone asks if a pair of jeans makes their butt look big, well let’s just say I’m the wrong person to ask those types of questions. Finally, I tend to have an alternative point of view on many things to many people. Now, the good news is that as I seek out treatment for my disorder and as I work on developing a healthier way of thinking, I tend to keep more and more of my thoughts to myself. Thereby making it easier for people to enjoy my company more. Hopefully. So if you’re someone that doesn’t like honesty, real honesty, and you’re someone that has a hard time talking to those that share differing views, than yes, I’m an asshole.
Next up, we have selfish. Yes, I’m definitely selfish. I can tell you right away that I wish I wasn’t. And in some very important ways, I’m not. But this is where I am selfish. Because of the OCPD, it’s incredibly important that I keep all of my possessions in the condition I want them in. Whether that’s my foolish attempt at keeping things like new or maybe how clean I like to keep things. If I let you borrow a vehicle, I’m going to be freaking out that it’s going to be returned dented or scratched. If I lend you a shirt, I’m going to be dramatically overly concerned that it’s going to come back stained. So what do I do? Well I don’t share my things. That’s what I do. But there are other things in life that you can share as well. You can share your time. You can share your experience. You can share your appreciation. You can share your money. You can share someone’s pain. And most importantly you can share love. Guess what? I love sharing all of those things. Nothing feels better than helping people and that’s why I’m making these videos. I’m sharing my experiences, I’m sharing my thoughts, I’m sharing my time when you guys PM me, I’m sharing the pain I’ve been through and I’m sharing my love with my subscribers. So if you get hung up on whether or not you can borrow my DJ equipment, then yes, I’m an asshole.
Being mean is in part being nasty and being nasty is being highly unpleasant. So does this shoe fit? Well here’s where things come down to your experience of me. At some point in the future I’l do a follow up to this follow up and we will talk to some people that actually know me, but for now you’re going to have to take my word on things. You see I have OCPD and that OCPD means that I see the world in black and white. It used to be that if you disagreed with me, I wouldn’t be able to see things from your side. But I’m working really hard these days to be a better person and to get this whole personality disorder thing under control. Which means that if you know me now and you didn’t know me in the past, you’re going to have a different opinion of me. I’ve burnt a lot of bridges over the years. That’s not to say I haven’t offered up apologies, but I wasn’t doing anything to help my OCPD in the past and I did a good job of getting to the point where some things just can’t be repaired. However, things are different now. When I need to apologize, I’m able to right away. And even better, I do my best to avoid doing things that would require an apology in the first place. But, this still doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m not highly unpleasant.
Just because I can have a reasonable conversation with someone over let’s say politics or religion, doesn’t mean I’m out of the clear. You see the side effects of having untreated OCPD for most of my life are both anxiety and depression. Now this gets tricky to talk about because I don’t want anyone out there with either of those things thinking that people don’t want to be around them. That’s not at all the case. You may have a thousand redeemable qualities and people may love spending time with you. But we are talking about me here. When I get anxious, I tend to shut down. It happens more and more these days, although I am experimenting with medications and hopefully I’m close to reversing how I currently experience the world. So if I’m experiencing anxiety, what would your experience with me be like? Well there’s a few factors to consider. If I’m experiencing anxiety and you introduce yourself for the first time, I’m probably going to ignore you and look at you very judgmentally. Not because I’m judging you. I just have resting judge face. If I’m meeting you for the first time and I feel ok initially but the anxiety starts creeping in as we’re talking, then I’m going to go quieter and quieter until I’m maybe only responding with yes or no answers until I can find a way to exit. Preferably without saying goodbye. If you know me, then the bonus is that I will at least tell you that my anxiety is kicking off before I abruptly leave.
The depression is a bit different. I’ve struggled with that a lot longer and I’m pretty adept at dealing with it. There’s usually only one of two ways things can go when I’m depressed. If I’m at home and I’m depressed and I get invited out for anything, I’ll just say no. It doesn’t matter how close you and I are. It doesn’t matter how low key the thing you might want to do is. The answer is no. No explanation and no discussing. There’s a good chance I’ll just avoid your messages and calls to begin with. If however, I make it out and depressive thoughts start sneaking in, I go into full actor mode and cover it right up. I can sort of fake it ’til I make it with depression. A lot more so than with the anxiety. So if you think someone being quiet or unresponsive or not attempting to join in on a good time is rude, then yes, I’m an asshole. Well, I’m not sure that I’m really the one to get to put a resolution on this video, and I guess that’s because I’m probably not the one that gets to decide if I get the label. Some people love me and some people hate me and I think that makes me the same as you. Yes, having OCPD and having strong opinions may make me abrasive and hard to deal with at times, maybe even impossible. But rest assured, I work on bettering myself every day and I will continue to personally strive to always have the best intentions.