What If There Is Nothing Left To Want?

This was never the plan. This writing bit. I don't consider myself a strong writer. I don't consider myself a strong anything as a matter of fact. Only the videos. They were difficult enough. You're faking all that, no need to put more pressure on yourself. I'm not comfortable on camera. I'd go so far as to say there's potential for phobia to even poke it's head around. So what am I doing on camera? Why is it 3am where I am and I'm lying in bed typing this? Not being able to sleep is not a reasonable answer. I can never sleep.

I was supposed to film today. Spend all night editing and post up a new video by morning like a responsible adult. That's not happening. I'm not sure if I'm getting a sadistic pleasure out of disappointing myself or this is a coup de grâce on my brain by mercy of self sabotage. All I know is I want out. I've spent 39 years backing myself into this corner and I've shrunken myself as far down and as far back as I can go and the only way to really escape is by becoming dust. I can't move forward, I'm way down at the bottom and I know enough about physics to understand the dilemma of being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

So do I owe you an apology? I did say videos on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I said that for a reason. But when you have OCPD sometimes you file those reasons in the wrong place. Was it to hold myself accountable? Was it to remain relevant? Was it because I feel I have a limited window into which to yell my pain? I don't have answers. I never did. What you're seeing in my videos is a search for truth. Isn't that what's important? My truth is worthless. I have no more trust to extend, so your truth won't do me much good as well.

Will there ever be more content? I can honestly say I don't know. Writing this is a good sign. It's a quarter win. No video, but my voice is still here. This was the last stand. This was one more shot at offering myself into the ether. I yelled into it and what I heard back was so faint. It sounds like it's getting further away. I don't have the energy to chase it. So I'll stand by the entrance and maybe it will pass by one more time. Maybe I'll grab onto it and produce one more video and someone will say "nice job", and for one more day I'll stick around. But maybe it won't pass back by and maybe I'll return to dust and maybe some people will say "whatever happened to so and so" and the truth is, he was never really here.