EPISODE 8 TRANSCRIPT
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So I was originally excited about producing this eighth video. The reason for that excitement was because I had always originally planned on producing seven scripted videos, due to the nature of that content and how thorough I wanted to be in presenting that content. After that seventh video I wanted to switch over to a more free form style of video and I also wanted to change the format down to a five minute video in order to be more concise and to try and be more engaging and to get the point a little bit faster.
All of that was derailed about two weeks ago after the sixth video that I shot right before the weekend. Right after the sixth video was uploaded I started working on the script for my seventh and last scripted video and that one, along with being personal, as all the other have been, was also the one that dealt with time periods in my life that were the most fresh, and probably the most recent open wounds. So after I finished writing that script I realized that this project had been taking a lot more out of me than I had realized. This video is to address why it took me two weeks to get back on track, what was going on in my head during that time and how I plan on moving forward.
In addition to that what ended up happening was that I realized a few things. The first that I'll talk about is the fact that I realized in producing these videos there were some things that I was repeating and one of those was that I was having trouble finding ways to talk about all of the havoc that this disorder has wreaked on my life, but not sounding like a victim. It really bothers me to make excuses for my disorder. It bothers me to sound pathetic and it bothers me to have a victim-hood mentality. I really was trying to avoid all that. I don't know whether I did or whether I didn't, but I know that it felt as though I was coming across as a victim at certain times in the videos and I really didn't like that. So I've been trying to figure out a way to tell my stories and not present them in a way where the audience is going to feel sorry for me. As of yet I really haven't done that. All I can do is be honest and explain that although I suffer with this disorder a lot of it comes down to me not haven taken personal responsibility for it. Yes it sucks, it's unfair that I developed this personality disorder or I was born with this personality disorder. Either way I didn't choose it and it's not a lot of fun and it causes a lot of chaos. At the same time, I'm not alone. There's many other people with this disorder and hopefully I'm talking to some of you guys right now. There's many other people with other personality disorders. There's many other people out there with mental health issues. I don't feel exceptional in the fact that I have this. I don't think it makes me special. I just know it's something that I want to get over. It's something I want to beat. That's part of what this video series is about.
Second is that the last video, the seventh video that I scripted, was really, really emotional for me to write. It's something that I still am going through. The storyline from that video continues down to this day. Getting through writing that and getting through filming it and getting through editing it was incredibly emotionally draining. It's probably the number one reason that I stopped making the videos. I became really depressed during the time of writing it and not only could I not shake that depression but it seemed to kind of spiral out of control for me. So that last video being done, I think that that's a big hurdle for me. It was a big hurdle in the sense that it's the last fully scripted video that I intend on doing. It's hopefully the only video that's going to require me to dig quite as deep as I did during that process of producing that video.
Now the next point is an interesting one. It's not something I expected or planned for and it's something that I'm going to cover a lot more in depth in a future video, maybe multiple future videos, because it's an important topic. In order to be as thorough as possible in presenting you guys with treatment options and resources that are available to you, whether online or in real life, I joined every single English speaking forum and group and chat room. Everything I could find where I could openly discuss OCPD. I wanted to engage other people, hear their stories and find out where we were similar and find out where we were different. In doing so and in sharing my story I opened myself up. I opened myself up to criticism that I wasn't expecting. It wasn't that I wasn't prepared to hear people's negative reactions to my thought process or the way that I present myself or even just not liking my personality. It was that they were disagreeing with me, they were strongly disagreeing with me, in how I was presenting the information. I didn't expect that because one of the things I'm trying to do is to be very factual. I'm referencing everything that I talk about and I'm presenting this from a very clinical standpoint when I do the video that are specifically talking about the diagnosis and the symptoms. To have people come at me in a way that made me feel like I wasn't presenting accurate information shook me up a little bit and made me second guess what I was doing. I really feel confident that this is a worthwhile endeavor, that this is a project that can help people, but I don't want to be giving out information that I can't stand behind one hundred percent. By giving myself the time to reflect on what I was doing I feel more confident in the information that I presented. I'm doing more research to back up the research that I've already done. I will continue to produce these and I'll will continue to believe in the message that I'm delivering and I'll be a lot more prepared for the negative feedback that I get. I'm more than happy to welcome any feedback that people have and I'm more than willing to discuss this online with you guys in video or on these message boards or even in private messages. If there's something you disagree with I'm more than happy to talk about it so please reach out to me about that. I guess what I didn't appreciate was people putting me on blast. They didn't contact me. They didn't tell me that they disagreed with the content. They just shared it and had really strong negative reactions that caught me off guard.
Also, the OCPD itself makes this project incredibly challenging. From the anxiety that derives from it, from the overwhelming depression that can derive from it, the self doubt that you're filled with, the fear of failure, the fear that these videos are not going to be good enough, the fear that nobody is going to want to watch them, or that nobody is going to like them, that all tied in together makes these videos very draining. I have a friend that gave me some feedback on these videos and the fact that I mention numerous times that it's difficult to produce these videos. It's not that I want to keep going on and on about the difficulty in producing them, but the fact is, is that they are really draining. I need to be able to anticipate and give myself enough time to produce the video, kind of recover from it and be ready to go onto the next one. Again, I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for empathy but the fact of the matter is, is that these are incredibly personal stories and this is my life. I live with OCPD every single day. To put so much hyperfocus on this disorder really makes me have to go through this every second of the day and it's a lot more than I've had to deal with in the past. It's a good thing. It's part of the process and it's part of what I'm hoping will help me get through this and to beat it and to move on to a better stage of my life. It's also going to make this time period a lot tougher on me.
Finally I'm having to change my game plan, which I'm not particularly happy about. The initial thought process was that I would try different treatment options leading up to therapy and medication. I wanted to try exercising, eating healthier, possibly meditation, yoga and supplements. I wanted to do this over the course of maybe two or three months and then start therapy and then from there go on to some medications and journal all of this and let you guys know how effective it is. I'm still going to do all of those things but unfortunately I'm going to be starting the therapy and potentially the medication a lot sooner. The reason being is that this did hit me really hard. I don't know how that comes across in the video. I don't want to make these videos and be in tears or a mess or a wreck or be overly depressed when making these so I'm trying to get myself into a good headspace before I film. The fact of the matter is, is that I hit a wall. I went too far down the rabbit hole and I'm struggling to come back out of it. I realized that in order to continuously make these videos, because this is a long term project that I want to do, I do need to get myself healthier faster. I let myself go into a dark place to really start from the bottom. I can assure you that I am definitely at the bottom.There's not a lot of space lower for me to go.
In order to produce content that is encouraging and uplifting, or even to just get it out at all, I'm going to be seeking out treatment. With the help of a friend, I've been looking at psychiatrists and therapists that are available to me locally. Hopefully I'll be seeing somebody this week or next week. That will be a big part of the videos. All of that information will be going into them. I wanted to be honest because in the beginning of the series I said that I was going to try these other things first. I'll still be trying them. I'll still be talking about their effectiveness, but I'll also be on another plan as well. You guys will be part of that journey too. I'm really glad to have made it to this eighth video. I'm glad to have switched over to this new format. I'd love to hear your feedback in the comments.