EPISODE 1 TRANSCRIPT
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My name is Darryl and I have OCPD. OCPD is an abbreviation for obsessive compulsive personality disorder. I had originally named this channel OCPD: The Devil and Me. Because living with OCPD is like living with your own personal demon that seeks to undermine every decision that you make in life. When that devil shows up on your shoulder telling you to make the wrong decision, a few seconds later another devil shows up on mine dressed as an angel reaffirming what the first devil said. However, the idea for this channel is about a year and half old at this point and the damage done by this disorder has grown incrementally. Hence the new title.
My plan for this YouTube channel is to evolve it over time into something much bigger than a living testament to the struggles of living with OCPD. I want to use this platform to inspire and heal those that are afflicted with OCPD, other personality disorders and those people with afflicted persons in their life. To start out with though, I want to document both my journey, my healing process and to give you an insight into the inner workings of a personality disorder affected mind. I would like to motivate people to come to terms with their thought processes and to work past them and to achieve the seemingly unachievable.
I would like to start by explaining how difficult producing this first video is for me. Not only is the difficulty tied directly into my personality disorder, but I have a fear/anxiety of being on film in any format. It is my firm belief that by forcing myself to do this, it will become much easier with time. But in the meantime, this is an incredible challenge for me. I will say though that I’m excited at the prospect of discovering the root of this fear. I do not have a fear of public speaking and have actually held several jobs or assignments that have required public speaking. I very much enjoy it and I’ve had success with it. I’m sure in part the fear has something to do with the fact that I don’t like the way I look on film and I don’t like the sound of my own voice. Something to which I know I’m not alone. As this is my first time doing something like this, I’m sure I’m also concerned with the overall quality of the videos I will be producing to start. When teaching or public speaking, I’m very adept at using an outline and most of what I’ve done I’ve done from simply believing in what I’m going to say and then saying it. So I apologize as I know as I know following a script and sticking heavily to it might not initially make for compelling video. As I was sitting at my computer just typing these words I was overcome by anxiety. Another issue is that I have an incredible amount of topics and information to cover, and trying to organize and make sense of it feels overwhelming. Also, I’m putting myself out there. In a big way. In order to find avenues in which this video will make it to as large an audience as possible, I’m going to have to share this video with friends. This goes against everything I believe and taps into some of my biggest fears. Fears of humiliation, over sharing, looking stupid, being vulnerable, losing friends and making those I know feel uncomfortable. People tend to not like peering into the darkness in each other and don’t like to be reminded of their own insecurities in doing so.
Which brings me back to the OCPD. For anyone that is familiar with OCPD or has researched OCPD, I’m sure you would agree that this is the longest anyone has taken, to get to the point at which they explain how OCPD is not OCD. In fact, when searching for OCPD, you really only get ten pages of search results of clinical definitions, and again, most of those are only explaining the difference between the two. Very, very little is really understood when it comes to this personality disorder. For those not familiar, well this is the point in which I do that. I’ll start really quick with the textbook description of the main difference. Persons with OCD experience tremendous anxiety related to specific preoccupations, which are perceived as threatening. Within the condition of OCPD it is one's dysfunctional philosophy which produces anxiety, anguish and frustration. In layman’s terms, a person with OCD understands the irrationality associated with their disorder, in OCPD we do the opposite. We rationalize every crazy and damaging thing we do. Make no mistake, by failing to take control of my personality disorder, I have made great strides in making a complete mess of my life. I would take home the gold in self sabotaging at the mental health olympics. The word that separates these two disorders is “personality”, and what a personality disorder is is a deeply ingrained and maladaptive pattern of behavior. I don’t occasionally or regularly have OCPD thoughts. ALL of my thoughts and reactions are OCPD. I don’t get to have a break from my condition or the anxiety and depression or damage it causes. Which really is the point of this video series.
I’m on a path to recovery. I’m at the very, very early stages of transforming my life for the better. In doing so, I’m reaching out to the world for help and spending countless hours researching OCPD and related topics. What I’ve discovered is that there is no information that speaks directly to me. No person that I feel I can relate to and therefore nobody to inspire me. The few people out there trying to explain this disorder or inspire change, are on the other side of it. For those with personality disorders, it’s an almost insurmountable challenge to take advice from someone that isn’t afflicted or does not appear to be afflicted or couldn’t possibly know what it’s like to live with the disorder day in and day out. I want to be that voice. The one that is relatable, believable and the one that lets you know you’re not alone. That together we are more powerful than we are apart. OCPD in particular has a very little success rate when it comes to overcoming the disorder. For those that suffer, recognizing the disorder has to be the first step, and OCPD sufferers are incredibly resistant to recognizing the disorder in themselves. In general, they’ve spent their entire lives believing that they are the sane ones and everyone else is crazy.
In the next few videos I will be going further into what OCPD is, what living with it is like and I will be going much, much further into my personal story. It is my sincere hope that if you are watching this that you share this video, subscribe to this channel and join me on this journey. I can assure you that if you yourself are not personally suffering with a personality disorder, someone important in your life is. The numbers don’t lie. We all need help sometimes, and I’d like to give you the tools to help those people in your life. I’ve hit rock bottom many times and I’ve always come back. I’d like to inspire you to do so as well, or inspire you to help others that are struggling and feel alone and isolated.