EPISODE 16 TRANSCRIPT
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I’m in a contemplative mood. It’s a strange thing to wake up one day and decide you’re going to tell the universe your most private stories, your deepest darkest secrets. Well maybe not all of them, but enough to expose my underbelly. I’ve been doing this for a few months now and I’ve had enough of you nice folks comment, that I know many of you feel this is either something you feel you couldn't do or that it sort of flies in the face of the symptoms of OCPD. How could someone with a perfectionist personality do something that is so obviously not perfect? I mean, the production value on these videos isn’t exactly Hollywood status. I’d kill for a slicker opening, a better on-screen voice or a high def camera, yet here I am pushing ahead anyway.
So how did I get here? Why am I doing this and how does it tie into my personal journey? Well I didn’t wake up one day and think let’s blast my business all over the internet. It took a few months to make the decision and another year before pulling the trigger. I’m not sure if I really feel this way or if it just seems to me that this is the way my life goes, but it sure does seem that everything is connected. So to tell the story I need to tie in a bunch of parallel storylines.
Let’s start with the ending of a relationship that meant everything to me and probably still does. Towards the end of this relationship I found myself at a crossroads. I’ve been self employed for a long time. Which is great, but nothing I've done has taken off to the point where I could call it a success. So an investment I had made at this time, that involved all I had at the time was failing. Having my particular version of OCPD means that for all sorts of reasons it’s really difficult to work for someone else. So I knew I was about to be, for all intents and purposes, destitute. Having OCPD can mean having really lofty and many times unreasonable goals for yourself and I tend to be an all or nothing sort of person. Meaning I’d probably choose homelessness over working at 7-11. Nothing against a job at 7-11, but it’s not the job for me. Anyway, I needed to figure out which skill sets I had acquired that would allow me to start at the bottom, be on some level self employed and require the absolute bare minimum of start up costs. And there was YouTube this big shiny meme filled bastion of hope.
So I had this thought that my background in business, teaching, managing and entrepreneurship could be put to use by selling myself. All I had to do was get over my paralyzing fear of being on video. But how did this solve my financial problem and what does this have to do with changing my life? Short answer…it didn’t…and everything.
YouTube would provide me this great? platform to talk about the thing in my life that has held me back from a successful life, a successful relationship and any sense of happiness. I’d be able to provide what I hoped would be helpful and beneficial content for free to whomever would want to watch. The career or financial part would come later. The goal was and is to turn this channel into an opportunity to open doors. My unreasonable and lofty goal is to turn this channel over time into something I can transition into speaking opportunities. Possibly monetize a blog site. I have a few ideas in my back pocket, but the gist of it is that I would put 100% of my chance of success squarely on my shoulders. Nobody to blame but myself if this doesn’t work. But I would be in complete control. The idea seemed perfect and I’m still happy with my decision. It means I do have to do some work on the side and I have to live incredibly frugally, but nothing good comes without sacrifice.
I think that's the most detail I’ve given thus far on the plans for this channel. There is a bit of an agenda in the sense that I’d like to speak on mental illness and maybe be compensated a little down the road. But at the same time I have no plans to stop creating videos and providing all of this content for free indefinitely. I’d just like to turn it into a bit more over time. We’ll see what happens with that I guess.
But this video isn’t intended as an expose on my future business plans. Its intent is to explain the personal motivations for this channel that go a little deeper. You see, I could have hatched an idea to get me through this really tough time period and to carry me over to the next hair-brained scheme. It’s not like I hadn’t done that dozens of times already. Why was this time different? And why am I asking so many rhetorical questions in this video?
This time was different because the loss of this partner hit me incredibly hard. Also, it was the first relationship that I had been in in which I knew from the start to the finish that I had OCPD. Being aware of it meant that I was trying to fight against it the entire time, but obviously failing. Also, throughout the relationship I was losing my battle against depression on a regular basis and for the first time I was experiencing anxiety on a scale that made it impossible to ever function at 100%. So I knew that this was an important moment in my life. It felt like there were only two options: crawl into a corner and give up, or fight for my life. My full real life that I’ve been missing out on, all these years. So this YouTube idea developed from the idea that the best way to help myself might be to start helping others. Occupy my mind with something other than myself.
During this time I ran through everything I’d ever done and if there was an option I was overlooking. It always came back to now is the time to put yourself out there and see what happens. It would be really stupid to throw in the towel without finding out for sure if everyone just thinks I’m a dick and I should go away for a long, long time. As bad as I think my words, choices and actions can be, I feel like I’m a good person at my core and I needed to test myself in the biggest way I could think of. So feeling like if I didn’t change now I never, ever would, and knowing the rug was about to be pulled out from under me, and understanding that my OCPD was controlling everything and would continue to unless I explored every possible solution, prompted me to get up, stop making excuses and jump all the way into the deep end. So here I am YouTube. In all my 1080p glory. For better or worse. Mostly worse probably. But by now I’m mostly over caring.
So now part two of the topic. Will this experiment give me the result I’m looking for? Well obviously financially I’m taking a big risk and it’s going to remain a question mark for a long time. But I’m used to taking risks and I’m in it for the long haul, so that’s not really what I’m talking about. What I am talking about is the OCPD and the hold it has over my life. Well as I believe in full transparency, and that’s also what this channel is basically about, the answer is that nothing has changed yet. At least in the way of noticeable changes in my behavior. But in the way of effort and belief in a new me, a lot has changed. I’m seeing a psychiatrist, I’m experimenting with medication, I’m using diet and exercise as a means to benefit my mental health and I have a whole host of other ideas I’m planning on trying. By putting my ideas out into the world via YouTube I’m forcing myself to hold myself accountable. I’m also more focused on overcoming my OCPD than ever before. This in and of itself doesn’t mean that it’s possible to change, but believing it’s even possible is a big step in the right direction. I’ve never really believed that in the past. Now I do. The good news, or at least I think it’s good news is that you guys are along for the ride with me as well.
One of my biggest obstacles is my anxiety. It holds me back in almost everything I do. So a lot of the changes I’m making or the new habits I’m adopting are to tackle that first and foremost. Mentally, I think about my OCPD a lot and I try and take a breath before I speak in order to decide if what I’m about to say is really worth saying and does it stem from the way my OCPD shapes the way I think. So I am working on the OCPD in the background. But for the time being, a lot of my focus is on overcoming the anxiety so that I’m clean and clear to give my devotion to this personality disorder 100%.
So there it is. I’m a few months in and a lot has changed in my life. Maybe not necessarily my OCPD symptoms. But I never expected this to be an overnight solution. I believe fully that I have it within me to change. I’m I’m here to tell you that if I have it in me, you do to. So sit back, relax and enjoy my life in debris.